Families I work with come in all shapes and sizes. For some, there is, or appears to be, a strong family cohesion. For others, it quickly becomes apparent that there are tensions, or undercurrents. In my view it’s somewhat of a myth that the death of someone brings people together. I think the stress, shock, strain and exhaustion of it all can make underlying issues even more prominent. On so many levels, death can be messy.
Ambivalence is more common than many people realise. Sometimes people are relieved the person has died. Perhaps because they suffered for a long time and it is a relief that their suffering is over. Perhaps they had a difficult relationship, and the death has put an apparent end to that. But death doesn’t necessarily ‘end’ a difficult relationship. We keep versions of people in our heads. Finding peace, or resolution, can take time, a lot of energy, good friends or perhaps a therapist.
It’s not unusual for there to be disagreements between siblings, between different sides of the family, with step-families etc. People may want you to represent the life of the person that has died in entirely different ways. One person may want some things hidden, whilst another wants them said.
There’s always the question of whether the funeral is for the dead or the living. Ideally you’re honouring the person who has died in the best way possible, whilst holding the space safely for all of the bereaved.
Even though the time you spend in your role as a funeral celebrant is quite a short one – whilst you are with the family, speaking to them, meeting them, exchanging messages about the service they want – it’s incredibly important to listen carefully both to what is being said – and also what’s not being said.
Staying calm and centred is vital. This allows the bereaved to focus on their loss and feel whatever it is they need to feel, without judgement. To honour the person they have lost in the best way possible, for everyone. If you do this well enough, in my experience, it can help to ‘loosen the knot’ if there is conflict, which can hopefully help those left behind begin to move on with their lives.